


think i might be sick from how much you know i love ya

by sundaze



Series: One Shots [12]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Disease, Josh is demisexual, M/M, Unrequited Love, hanahaki, sick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-30
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-06-18 20:36:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15494166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sundaze/pseuds/sundaze
Summary: Josh hates the taste of flowers in his mouth, the only thing he hates more than being in love with someone who doesn't love him the way he loves them.





	think i might be sick from how much you know i love ya

Loving someone had never been easy for Josh. All throughout high school, and even after that, it was hard for him to meet people and get to know them on the level of feeling like he would want to be in a relationship with them. He would watch his friends go out on dates with people in his classes and get into relationships with others, but he never felt jealous. He had had dates to school dances and he had a couple people he went on a few dates with, but none of them made him feel like he had found "the one" or anything else that sounds like it's out of a romantic comedy movie.  
  
Until he met Tyler Joseph.   
  
The two had met while Josh was out with a group of his friends to watch a band play, Tyler's band. Josh watched Tyler make his way blindly around the stage in the small club as his eyes kept closed and he sang into the microphone. Josh could feel the passion and the importance Tyler was projecting into his performance. When the set was over, Josh approached Tyler and introduced himself.

Josh's friends were long forgotten after Tyler and Josh sat down at the bar and the two got lost in conversation. Before they left that night, just before the sun peaked across the horizon, Tyler messily scrawled his phone number across Josh's palm and insisted that they do something soon. Josh agreed to the plans and walked away from the bar with butterflies fluttering around his stomach. After 25 years, Josh finally understood what it felt like to have a crush.   
  
Especially the uncertainty of the person feeling the same way.   
  
*   
  
It was a Sunday when it first happened.   
  
For Josh, it was a normal Sunday. He woke up early, had his coffee as he stared out his apartment window and watched the clouds roll in over Columbus. He decided to go for a jog before the rain the city desperately needed to relieve everyone from the summer humidity came. After escaping the thunderous downpour by the skin of his teeth, Josh decided to catch up on Game of Thrones. He received a text message from Tyler about meeting up later that night. Josh responded with a quick 'see you tonight' before he got too caught up in the show.   
  
That's when it happened.   
  
Josh coughed into his hand; just a normal tickle he thought, until he pulled his hand away and felt something soft inside his closed fist. After opening his hand and revealing a palm full of yellow flowers petals, panic washed over Josh's body. Like something out of an episode of Game of Thrones, Josh began hacking, doubling over and spitting more yellow petals onto his living room floor.   
  
After what felt like an eternity of hacking and throwing up petals, when it finally stopped, Josh's brain went blank, unsure of what to think, what to do, or what to say. The only thing he was able to do was stare at the yellow flower petal covered floor.   
  
Once he got his mind thinking straight again, he began cleaning up the flower petals and dumped them into the garbage can in the kitchen. His mind was still racing, and he wasn't really sure what his next move should be. Does he go to the doctor? Does he ignore it and wait for it to go away? Josh pulled out his phone and searched the internet for 'throwing up flower petals'. His search lead him to a site that explained in depth of what puking flowers meant.   
  
"Hanahaki disease: a disease in which the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. The most common version is when the victim’s lungs fill with flowers and roots grow in the respiratory system".   
  
Tyler. He doesn't love Josh back.

  
"Naturally, without receiving the love back, the victim's respiratory system will be infested with roots and flowers until the victim chokes on the petals and dies. However, the victim is able to get a surgery to remove the disease from their body. In turn, they will lose feelings they have for their love, and, in some cases, all memory of them".   
  
Josh's heart sinks. How could he chose between saving his own life and risking forgetting about Tyler, the only person he's had romantic feelings for? How long does he have if he doesn't get the surgery? Josh closes out of the browser and shoves his phone back into his pocket, hoping the flowers coming out of his mouth was all in his mind.   
  
He tries to convince himself it'll be better tomorrow.   
  
*   
  
Days pass without another incident. Josh is hopeful that it was a single occurrence and it won't happen again, but deep down he knows that isn't the case. Ever since that first and only time, he’s started to feel the effects of the disease. He's lost many hours of sleep, his brain wracking with the idea of having to give up his love for Tyler, or his own life. He knew the time would have to come where he'd make a decision, but his sleep was already suffering from the consequences of making the wrong choice.   
  
When it happened again, he was hanging out with Mark, a friend Josh has known since high school, and Tyler at Mark's apartment just outside of Columbus.  Fortunately, Tyler had excused himself to answer a phone call when it happened. Josh wasn't ready to explain what was going on to anyone, but even more so not ready to tell Tyler.   
  
Josh felt the tingling feeling in the back of his throat and he desperately tried to push it back down, but his attempt was unsuccessful. He covered his mouth to try to make the bright flower petals less noticeable, but they came spewing out of small cracks between Josh's hand and his lips, immediately causing Mark to turn towards where Josh sat on the couch. Josh tried to ignore the fact that his face was turning red and picked up the petals off of the cushions.   
  
"Are you alright?" Mark asked, serious concern in his tone.   
  
Josh smiled meekly, waved his petal-less hand and silently went into the kitchen to dispose of the bright yellow petals. Before he was able to make it back to the living room, he felt the tingle again. Acting fast, Josh leaned over the kitchen sink. More petals came out of Josh's mouth, gently fluttering down to meet the cool metal of the sink. Not only were there yellow petals, now there was also orange flower petals. What could this mean?   
  
A hand was gently placed on Josh's back, causing him to jump. Mark was right there behind him. There was a look of genuine worry in his face. His brow was furrowed and his eyes were big. "Josh, what's going on?"   
  
Josh coughed one more time before he was able to answer. "Nothing. I'm good." He straightens out his back and turns to grab a glass to fill with water.     
  
"Dude you literally just puked flower petals into my sink. You can't even tell me that nothing is wrong." Mark's voice was less gentle, filled with concerns and question. Josh wasn't sure how to explain he's dying from not being loved to his best friend.   
  
"Really, Mark. I've got it under control." Josh lied after sipping the warm water from his glass.   
  
Mark released an aggravated groan from his lips,  pulled the glass out of Josh's hand and tossed it into the sink with the flowers. Josh watched in shock as the glass shattered into several pieces when it made contact with the sink. "Tell me now." Mark hissed.   
  
To avoid causing a bigger issue, one that Josh really doesn't need right now, Josh turns to his friend to make straight eye contact with him. "I might have this disease that’s caused from unrequited love. I guess a side effect is throwing up flower petals.” Josh keeps the explanation simple. He doesn’t want to get into the logistics that he barely understands.   
  
"Unrequited love? I didn't even know you were able to have romantic feelings for someone." Mark retorted, leaning against the counter. "Is it, like...dangerous?"   
  
"I mean, if I don't get the surgery I guess the flowers will grow roots in my lungs and it'll eventually choke me until I die." Josh explains flatly, trying hard to not show the fear he's feeling. He tries to distract himself by cleaning up the mess of warm colored petals and glass that lay in the sink.   
  
"So why don't you just get the surgery?"   
  
Josh sighs. "If I get the surgery I'll lose the feelings I have for that person."   
  
"So? You've lived without these feelings for so long anyway."   
  
"Mark, you've known me since high school." Josh throws the last of the mess into the garbage and goes to the living room, Mark following behind. "I’ve finally had the feeling of loving someone romantically and I don’t want it to go away, especially with this guy." Josh exhales and presses the heels of his hands into his eyes. "I could also lose all memory of that person. I value their friendship. I can't just forget him like that."   
  
"So you'd rather die than forget this guy?"   
  
Josh bites his lower lip nervously and twists his hands around one another nervously. "I don't know."   
  
"Have you seen a doctor about this yet?"   
  
"No, I should make an appointment though." Josh admits.   
  
"That you should," Mark sits on the couch besides Josh. "I don't want this to hurt you more than it already has."   
  
"Me too..." Josh states, his voice trailing at the end.   
  
"Who is it?" Mark asks after a brief moment of silence. Josh sighs again and shakes his head, hoping that Mark gets the message: he doesn't want to tell him.   
  
Before Mark can get out another word, Tyler comes back into the room. "Sorry about that," he smiles at his friends.

  
"All good," Josh replies, thanking his lucky stars for Tyler's perfect timing. Even though he can feel Mark staring daggers at him right now from the seat beside him, Josh attempts to act like nothing’s wrong.

  
* 

  
Josh made a doctor appointment for later that week after he got home from Mark’s. He was afraid of getting bad news and having to go home alone, so he asked Mark to come along with him. Mark sat in the waiting room while Josh sat in the examination room while he waited for the doctor to come in   
  
The examination room reminded Josh of a cliche doctor office: white walls, off-white floor tiles, gray cabinets, counters and shelves with several different medical instruments neatly laying around, only a few Josh was able to identify. Posters of what to do if someone was choking and the human body with all the muscles and bones labeled hung on the white walls. Josh chuckled to himself when he thought about those posters being there as a reminder to the doctor for if or when it happens.   
  
There were gray plastic chairs in the corner of the room, which Josh wished Mark had sat in so he'd have someone to relax him. Josh was a 25 year old adult, he didn't need someone sitting in the office with him (it's probably against some sort of privacy laws anyway), but he yearned for someone to be there to talk to him; distract him from his negative intrusive thoughts.   
  
Josh has one of his legs pulled up on to the examination table with his arms wrapped around the thigh and his fingers interlaced on his shin. Josh let the other leg hang off the table and swing back and forth nervously. He tries desperately to think of how this appointment could go well: Josh isn't going to die, the disease will make its way out of his body within a few days and everything will go back to normal, Josh being able go back to living with his secret infatuation.   
  
Before thinking another positive possibility this appointment could have, he began coughing and and he felt the flower petals working their way up his throat and out of his mouth. Orange and yellow petals appeared in Josh's palm.   
  
If only.   
  
Doctor Greene arrives shortly after that with his wheeled cart with a computer placed on top. The smiling old man said hello to Josh as he set up and got the instruments needed to take Josh's vitals.   
  
"What seems to be the problem today?" He asks, beginning to stick Josh with different instruments.   
  
"Uh, the other day I began coughing and I threw up some yellow flower petals." Josh explains slowly, trying to keep his voice from shaking.   
  
"Ah," Doctor Greene sighed, pulling away from looking inside of Josh's ear. He took the stethoscope and placed it on Josh's chest, instructing him to breathe deeply. This was the first time josh noticed he was having a hard time breathing. It was almost like there was something in his throat blocking his air passage. “When did this start?”

“Sunday.”

"Have you noticed how many colored petals there were? Just the yellow?"   
  
"No, well at first there was just yellow. The other day I coughed and there were yellow and orange."   
  
After listening to his breathing through his back, Doctor Greene placed the stethoscope around his neck and turned to his computer. He began typing something and he kept quiet. Josh bit his lip, trying to read Doctor Greene's face as he feverishly recorded something into the computer. He was impossible to read. Josh's heart began beating faster.   
  
"Well," Doctor Greene turned to Josh. "You seem to be suffering from Hanahaki. It’s a rare disease that starts from love that is being unreturned. Flowers are beginning to grow roots in your lungs and when they start to get too large, petals begin falling off, causing you to cough them out. The longer the disease is left untreated, the more flowers will grow, causing different colors to be coughed out. Eventually, the throat will be crowded with growing flowers and the lungs won’t be able to handle all the flowers--which usually happens around four or five different flowers--and the victim will choke on the flowers, in turn causing them to die from suffocation.”   
  
Josh's stomach tightened, his palms sweating as he pulls at his fingers. "So, like, how long do I have before it gets really bad?"     
  
"It's hard to say." Doctor Greene sighs, looking back at the computer screen. "Some people live with it for years until they enter the final stages. However, normally people will live with it for a couple weeks, two months at most."   
  
Josh's stomach tightened. _Two months at most_ rang through Josh's ears. He's already been living with it for almost a week and he's already had two different flower petals. His stomach tightens as he thinks about how long he could possibly have left. Tomorrow could be his last day, for all he knows. He begins thinking about all the things he has to do. His brain is processes and trying to take in information and make mental notes faster than it ever has before, Josh thinks that his brain might implode before another flower could even touch his lungs.  
  
"Joshua," Doctor Greene spoke, pulling Josh out his thoughts. Josh looked back to doctor Greene, when did he break eye contact with him? "Are you alright?"   
  
Josh hesitates before nodding his head. "Y-yeah," he quakes. "Is there anything that I could do to, like, make it better?”

“I can write you a prescription for a cough medicine. There is a surgery you can get, but it will cause you to no longer feel anything romantic towards your love again. It can also cause you to forget about that person. I could write you a couple of professionals who perform this surgery if you’d like.”

“Please.”

  
*

  
Josh quickly exits the hallway where the examination room was and enters the waiting room. He barely looks towards Mark before leaving the building entirely. He starts towards the car and ignores Mark's calls after him. Hi brain is rushing with hundreds of thoughts and he can’t make them stop coming. Each question raises another question and every concern raises an even more threatening concern in his head. Josh reaches for the car door handle, his fingers slipping from it with the combination of shaking hands and the rain falling down heavily.

  
Once he was inside the car, he put his forehead against the steering wheel and tried to calm himself down. He could hear his heart beating, his hands shook so much he feels as though he could alone start an earthquake. He told himself to focus on his breathing, but short shallow breaths became even sharper as his mind continued to race.   
  
Two months--at most--is all he had left without getting the surgery. He has probably less than two months to decide whether he wants to forget the feelings he has for Tyler, or die. Every outcome of each decision Josh could make fills him with more anxiety. What if he makes the wrong decision? What is the surgery goes wrong and he dies anyway? What if after the surgery, Tyler admits he has feelings for him? What if he forgets Tyler? That’s all Josh could think.

What if, what if, what if.   
  
"Dude," Mark uttered as he jumped into the passenger seat, startling Josh out of his own spinning mind. "What happened?"   
  
"I-it just hit me," Josh stammered, his head still pressed against the steering wheel, trying to catch his breath. "So many things can go wrong. If I don't get this surgery I am going to _die_ . But I’m not ready to die, but I can’t continue to live like this. I need to do something about it before I can’t fix it anymore, but I’m scared of making the wrong choice and fucking up life even more than it already has been and I just--"   
  
“Hold on,” Mark ordered, holding his hand out in front of him. Josh turned his head to look at his friend in the passenger seat. Josh was already getting used to the looks of worry on Mark’s face. "One thing at a time. What did the doctor say to you?"   
  
"He said that on average people with this disease will live about two months at most," Josh sat back in the seat and rubbed his face. "That's like, nothing."   
  
Silence falls over the car, and for a moment, Josh’s brain is quieter than his surroundings

"I'm sorry, man.” Mark intoned. “I can't even imagine how hard this must be on you--"  
  
Suddenly, Josh slams the heels of his hands against the steering wheel, causing Mark to flinch in his seat. "This is fucking stupid!" Josh boomed. Chords in his neck stuck out as he continued to yell.  "I'm one in like a million people to get this disease. Why does it have to be me?"   
  
"Josh..." Mark murmurs but Josh continues on.   
  
"It's been months since I first got this dumb crush on Tyler, why is this just happening now? Why did it have to be Tyler? Why did it have to happen at _all_ ?"   
  
"Wait, Tyler?" Mark questions, but it gets lost in Josh's rage.   
  
"What did _I_ do to fall in love with my best friend? How could he ever love me back? We’re friends--best friends. Nothing could ever change that, no matter how much I want it to. There are a million other people out there for him to fall in love with and I’ll _never_ be on that list ." Josh’s rant is cut short with a vicious cough and flower petals falling into his lap and trickling down onto the floor. He sighs, sliding down in his seat a little. "How can I blame him though? I would chose someone else over me too..." He quietly mumbles to himself.   
  
Moments of silence pass between the two of them. The words Josh yelled hung in the air like the stench of a landfill: awfully uncomfortable to take in and leaving a bad taste in Mark’s mouth. It was understandable, though.   
  
"Josh," Mark speaks softly. Josh shifts his eyes to look over it him. "Did you say a crush on Tyler?"   
  
Josh hesitated, his gaze shifting from Mark to the floor of the car. Did he say Tyler's name on accident while he was getting everything off his chest? How was he supposed to say it isn't Tyler if he let his name slip to Mark? Josh  couldn't lie to him and tell him it was a different Tyler. Mark would know. Josh sighed and nodded a little, covering his eyes with his hand. He tries to suppress the heat suddenly rushing to his face.   
  
Mark's face dropped a little bit as he watched Josh become more and more uncomfortable; his hands wringing against one another, his breathing still in short, sharp breaths, his eyes darting across the floor of the car. "Josh, have you thought about maybe trying to talk to him about it?   
  
Josh didn't even think about that, but it was totally out of the question. Talking to Tyler about his feelings would probably kill him faster than this stupid disease would. "I can't," Josh says. He wasn't ready to face Tyler and tell him he's had a crush on him since they met.   
  
"It might make you feel better. Something might come out of it and make you _feel_ better" Mark breathed, his voice shaking slightly from watching his friend in so much distress.   
  
Josh shook his head and started the car up without another word. He couldn't bear to say another word, he didn't want to mess up his friendship with Mark.

  
*

  
Josh gets lost in his own misery after that doctor appointment. He had been laying on his couch in his apartment for what may have been three days, but could have been a week, he lost count of the hours staring at the ceiling after two days. Sleep was a rarity to Josh now, no matter how much he yearned for it, lucky to get more than five consecutive hours. The only thing he could do was stare at the ceiling and wonder why he rented an apartment with popcorn ceilings.   
  
Over the blurred days, Josh had began to cough up another flower petal color: hot pink, almost a red appeared in Josh's hand one day. Josh tried to not let it faze him, especially since he had noticed more symptoms: chest pains, trouble breathing, consistent--almost constant--migraines, coughing up blood. Josh knew it was coming, but he didn’t want to live with the fact that he was _dying._   
  
Through his confused and hazy thoughts, the one thing he could make conscious thoughts about was Tyler. Whether it was thinking about if he wanted to talk about his feelings with him, or if he'd rather just get the surgery, or die, Tyler was the one clear thought on his mind. And he made a decision about him.   
  
He was just going to get over Tyler.

If he stopped loving Tyler, the flowers would shrivel and die, leaving his chest empty as it once was. It wouldn’t be easy to do it, but he was going to do it. It made sense and it was the least scariest option he had.

But Josh knew that plan wouldn’t work. He can’t think about Tyler without feeling his stomach unclench and relax. It would take him three times as long to not love Tyler than he probably had left.   
  
A knock on the front door rang through Josh's body, causing him to tense up, groan and slowly roll onto his side. It was a couple seconds before another knock shot through Josh's body, but this time a voice followed: "Josh? It's me, Tyler".   
  
Josh's breath caught in his chest, causing him to cough. A couple of the new pick petals came sputtering out along with the yellow and orange petals, all speckled with blood. The plan of forcing himself out of love with Tyler flew out the window. He couldn't let Tyler see him like this. Maybe if he stayed quiet enough, Tyler would just go away.   
  
"I heard you coughing," Tyler states from the other side of the door.   
  
Shit.   
  
"I've been trying to text you," Tyler continues. "I even called you a few times. There was no answer. I wanted to swing by, make sure you weren't dead."   
  
Josh can't help but snicker at that. _I'm not, but I very well could be_ He thought to himself as Tyler continued to rap on the door.   
  
With a groan, Josh rolled off of the couch, got to his feet, quickly pushing the flower petals underneath the couch, and made his way to the door. He took a deep breath before opening the door and revealing Tyler. He's wearing a black Adidas windbreaker over a plain white shirt with tight black skinny jeans. His hair was a mess of brown on top of his head. He probably thought that he needed a haircut, but Josh thought it was a perfect length. His cheeks were a light pink and there were water droplets on his shoulders and all in his hair. _Is it raining?_ Josh thought as Tyler's face lightened when he saw Josh open the door.   
  
"Hey," Tyler smiles, his eyes scanning over Josh. "You're alright?" It comes out more as a question rather than a statement, a question Josh isn't really sure how to answer.   
  
After a moment of sitting on the question, Josh shrugs his shoulders weakly. Josh knows that there probably dark puffy bags under his bloodshot eyes. His skin was probably paler than before, paler than it's probably ever been. He’s obviously sick, but he'd rather not get into it with Tyler right now.   
  
"Can I come in?" Tyler asks, his hand gesturing into Josh's apartment. Josh nods and steps aside to let Tyler in.   
  
Inside, Tyler looks around and bites his lip as he sees all the used tissues and the blanket strewn across the floor near the couch. Josh forgot about the mess, but he's just happy he was able to think about sweeping the petals under the couch before allowing Tyler in. "Sorry," Josh mumbles, his voice wheezy, sore. He begins to pick up the mess, but Tyler quickly stops him and sits him down on the couch.   
  
"Don't worry about it, Josh." Tyler says, his voice soft as he leads Josh down to a seat on the couch.   
  
Josh sighs as he lays back down on the couch and covers himself with the blanket. "Why are you here?"   
  
Tyler gives Josh a puzzled look and begins to rub his back, which isn't out of the ordinary, but he wish Tyler wouldn't do this right now. He’s too weak to say anything about it, though, so he let’s Tyler and attempts to relax a little bit. “I saw Mark the other day and he said you were sick.”

Fuck. Josh didn’t expect Mark to tell anyone, but especially not Tyler. Maybe that’s all he had said: Josh was sick. Hopefully that was the case. But Josh is too lethargic to even show any worry. He just pulls the blanket closer to his chest, burying his nose into the soft fabric. “I’m alright.”

Tyler shakes his head. “How can you even say that? You’re surrounded by a pile of used tissues and cough medicine.”

Josh has nothing to say to that. He just lays there, the blanket covering half of his face and his eyes closed. Maybe he could pretend to be asleep and Tyler will leave. “Mark also told me that you have a crush on me.” Tyler gently whispers, his fingers running through Josh’s hair.

“He what?” Josh exclaims, shooting up from his laid down position. Too fast, too fast. Josh’s head spins and he falls back down into the reclined position, the coughing ensues.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Josh’s mind begins to race like it did when the doctor told him what was going to happen, except worse because his sleep deprived brain is unable to make one singular thought. How could Mark do this to him? Even if Josh didn’t exclusively say to not tell anyone, he trusted Mark to not tell anyone and he betrayed him. Josh rubs his eyes and shakes his head.

“Josh,” Tyler starts, turning his body towards where Josh lays. “Don’t be mad at Mark. I kind of pulled it out of him. He just told me you were sick and that you were going through something. It’s my fault.”

Josh doesn’t even know what to say, so he just lays there, keeping his eyes covered with his fingers. The room is quiet for a moment, neither Josh nor Tyler having anything to say. Tyler knows that Josh loves him, and he’s here to tell him that he doesn’t feel the same way. Why else would he be mentioning this? And Josh is just as sick as he was three days ago. Nothing has changed. It won’t change. I guess that’s one benefit of this damned disease: he’ll always know who loves him and who doesn’t.

“Can you move your hands?” Tyler eventually requested, placing his hands are Josh’s arms. Josh reluctantly moves his hands to his chest and looks at Tyler. He’s giving Josh the same look Mark gave him after that doctor’s appointment: wide, bright, concerned eyes. No smile, straight, thin lips. He wants to waste no time breaking Josh’s heart. “You know you’re my best friend, and I never wanted to hurt you. If I had known that I would end up hurting you, maybe things would have been different.”

Josh scoffs, weakly shakes Tyler’s warm hands off of his arms and rolls over to face the back of the couch. “Don’t even say that,” Josh spits. “If you were ever going to love me more than as a best friend, you would have before all of this.”

“You don’t know that,” Tyler fights back, awkwardly shifting in his seat on the couch.

“I do know. You can’t just love someone…” Josh quavers, letting ‘just like how I can’t unlove you’ go unsaid. He presses himself deeper into the couch, hoping it will swallow him whole.

“Then you can’t be mad at me.” Tyler retorts, his voice getting a little shakier.

“I’m not, just… dying.” Josh murmurs, closing his eyes.

Silence envelopes the room. Josh hopes for a moment that Tyler had left, but he feels and awkward shift, reminding him of his presence. “You’ll be okay, right?: Tyler questions, his voice shakes, probably more than Josh’s hands that are stuffed between his legs.

Josh lies there silently, letting the silence answer the question for Tyler so Josh doesn’t have to use more energy that he doesn’t have. “I’m pretty tired, Ty. I haven’t slept in a while.”

Tyler bites his lip and nods his head a little bit. He stands to his feet and places a gentle hand on the back of Josh’s head, his fingers slowly and carefully slip between the colored curls. “If you need anything, don’t be afraid to call me. You’re still my best friend, and I love you, and _that_ will never change for anything.”

That breaks Josh. Tears begin to fall down his face for the first time since that rainy sunday afternoon. A hiccup escapes his lips as he tells Tyler that he will. But Tyler doesn’t notice, or he at least doesn’t mention it as he shows himself to the door, softly shutting it behind him.

What feels like hours, but was probably just a few minutes, after Tyler leaves, Josh rolls over, grabbing the list of surgeons Doctor Greene gave Josh three days or a week ago.  
  


*  
  


Tyler doesn’t hear from Josh after he went to his apartment. Tyler is worried, but he is afraid to see Josh again. He wants to call him, but he knows he will just ignore the calls like he had been before. Tyler asks Mark, who says he hasn’t heard anything from Josh in a couple days either. Finally, Tyler is driving in the direction of Josh’s apartment complex on the first sunny day in weeks.

Standing outside of his door, Tyler notices his hands are shaking. What if someone who isn’t Josh answers and says that he died a few days ago? Josh could also not answer, and Tyler just never hear from Josh again; leaving Tyler wondering where he went, or what had happened to him. He doesn’t know which would be worse.

But maybe he got the surgery and everything went well. Maybe he will answer the door and he will look like himself again. He will be smiling, yellow haired and healthy like he was before. Maybe they will be able to move on with their lives like none of this happened. All Tyler has to do is knock on the door.

 _Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock--_ a voice inside Tyler’s head is screaming until he finally brings his hand up to the wood and taps on it with his knuckles.

There is no noise from the inside of the apartment. His hands still shake and his breathing catches in his chest. For a split second, Tyler tells himself to run away and to go home; that Josh will talk to him when he’s ready to. It might not be the best thing to just show up to his apartment again. If Josh did die, he will never know if he leaves _now._ What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

The door is suddenly swung open and Tyler is steps in front of Josh. He looks better. The color is back in his cheeks, he looks less sleep deprived, he’s even smiling his infectious smile. Thin scars on his chest peak over the collar of his faded black shirt. Tyler releases the tension from his body and allows himself to smile a little bit.

He’s here. He’s alive. He’s okay.

“Josh,” Tyler exhales, the smile taking over his face.

“Yes?” He says, smiling more than he was, but not happily. Uncomfortable, maybe.

“You’re alright.” Tyler decides to ignore it. “You seem a lot better than before. Did you get that surgery?”

Josh nods a little bit and looks over Tyler’s body from head to toe “I did get a surgery, about a week ago.” The smile leaves Josh’s face and he tilts his head slightly to the side so his yellow hair shifts slightly on his head. “I’m sorry, who are you?”

Tyler’s heart falls and shatters at the bottom of his stomach. “T-Tyler,” He stammers, furrowing his eyebrows. “Your best friend?”

Blank faced, Josh stares at Tyler. He can tell Josh is reaching into the deep recesses of his mind as he looks Tyler up and down and up and down. “I’m sorry, I don’t think we’ve met before.”

It hits Tyler all at once, like a train. _He doesn’t remember me_ Tyler thinks to himself as he holds eye contact with Josh. The surgery made him _forget_ Tyler _._ Tyler thinks he might be sick.

A ringing cell phone comes from inside of the apartment. Josh looks over his shoulder, acknowledging the call, and turns back to Tyler as he slowly steps back from the door frame and into the apartment. “I have to get that. It was nice meeting you!” Josh smiles one last time before the door is blocking him and Tyler once again.

Unable to move, Tyler stands outside his door, frozen. The last two minutes replaying in his mind like a scene from a movie. Tyler feels a pressure on his chest like he is going to throw up. Regaining control of his body, he takes a step back, trying to steady himself as he leans over and begins coughing.

Slowly falling to the floor, yellow flower petals leave Tyler’s mouth.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! I had a lot of fun writing this. this was the first thing I've written in like a year so I hope that it's good for a first try at writing again. 
> 
> the title is a lyric from flowers on the floor by lany.
> 
> i also made a spotify playlist to help me write this. if you wanna listen here it is: https://open.spotify.com/user/12152767242/playlist/7iUsqarzGEMbdWOXwd7iUO?si=sjXHvCt8RqeiGSKgORBERg
> 
> thank you again!


End file.
